A sense of not belonging

A few weeks ago, before starting my new job, I was sent the usual forms to complete including the now standard ethicity questionnaire. I glanced down the form, pen in hand, ready to tick the "White British" box - only to find there wasn't one.

Yes, the heading "White British" was there, but it was subdivided into four; English, Scottish, Welsh and Other. This made me stop and think, even more so when I noticed the instruction at the top of the section to "Tick the box which most describes your cultural heritage".

I was born in England and, apart from a few months in France when I was 20, have lived in England all my life, but I've always regarded myself as British rather than English. You see, my mother is Welsh, and I spent many holidays in Wales while I was growing up. Her family was close-knit, and I was always aware of an extended family in Wales. And as my mother was at home, telling me stories and singing music from her heritage, the majority of my cultural heritage was Welsh. But I'm clearly not Welsh.

My father's job took him out of the country for about three to four months a year, mostly to Europe; it was as normal for him to be in Cologne, Vienna or Budapest as in London. He also brought European customs home, including introducing us children to wine and water with meals from an early age (I should add that none of us now drink more than once or twice a week, if that, and not to excess).

As for his family background - well, it was a mixture of East London Russian Jewish and Scottish methodist with Bristol overtones. In addition, the family was distinctly fragmented and not close; growing up, I knew of my uncle and his family a few miles away, my aunt and her family in Rhodesia, and my great aunt and her family in Nigeria. In short, I really didn't get any national or racial culture from my father.

So I've always described myself as British or, at a push, European. So, faced with a choice of describing myself as English, Welsh or Other, I ticked "Other" on the recent ethnicity form. I couldn't honestly describe myself as any other available option.

But this isn't the only time I've felt as though I don't fit lately. The London mayoral elections are later this week, and I've been trying to decide which of the candidates best represents my needs. And suddenly I started to realise that I don't think I'm a Londoner any more.

I was born in London (ok, it was Kent at the time, but London moved), and have lived there most of my life. I went to school in London. I've commuted into London for work for a fair number of years. But now I don't feel that I belong. The transport system - strongly disfavouring south of the river - doesn't help, but it's much more than that.

Walking around areas I used to know intimately, I scarcely recognise them; the wonderful, slightly faded frontages of ten or fifteen years ago have either degenerated further into run-down and vandalised zones, or been replaced with shining, modern buildings that could be anywhere. The little shops where I could happily browse for half an hour or so have been replaced either by brash impersonal chains, or by shops that smell enticingly exotic but where I'm constantly watched by the staff because I don't look the type to be buying individual spices. I worked in Victoria Street less than three years ago, but I don't recognise it now.

And passing restaurants, boutiques and the like, I realise these are no longer meant for the likes of me. I read restaurant reviews in the Metro, which finish with the words "A meal for two with water and wine costs £220" - how many real Londoners can afford that, or am I totally out of touch? In the 1980's I virtually lived at the Royal Opera House, where a seat at the side of the Stalls Circle would cost me £8.50 (or I could go into the Amphitheatre for £4.50 if no dancers I was particularly interested in were performing). I doubt that would buy me a sandwich now.

It's not that I'm against change; in fact, I would say I'm quite open to it - but at the moment, I'm really feeling sad. People need social groups to understand their own role but, while I'm happy in the circles I've actually joined (various interest groups and clubs), those I should belong to purely by reason of my existence seem to be disappearing fast. And where does that leave me?